So things keep coming up.  and I'm a little frustrated, but I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to be at this point.
Cait: i think its sketchy, but i understand it
Me: ok,  walk me through this, then.  because I can't see it.   
 
Two years ago after the really bad night with Adam I came home and sat in my room in the dark.  All that was left was the bed and a lamp in the corner, and I crouched in my empty closet with mom's cellphone because I didn't want anyone to hear me.  I called Miles and sat in the dark and he listened to me try not to cry, and spoke so sweetly when I did.  He mm-hmmmed at all the right places and let me just stop pretending I was alright.  It's hard to explain. 
 
He asked me once, "remember that night you called me?", and I said yes, because that was the night I had fallen in love with him. "I promise I will never make you cry" he said. 
 
I'm talking to Cait and thinking of all the things.  It's so hard to tell. Everything is surfacing again and I'm looking over what I wrote in hysterics a few weeks back, when I finally realized he's leaving. The words are hard to read and the ink has run, but they're there. 
 
A couple days ago I sat in the dark again and cried because I was terrified.  It's just so damn hard to keep that promise when everything else is so unsure.




ash @ 11:20 PM